I Once Was Lost
by crazylove06
Summary: Fear was the vanishing memory of her voice. T/M Season 5 AU one-shot


**So this is after season 5. It centers on Tony's thoughts about what's happened, and a little surprise AU at the end.**

During the first seconds, when Tony wakes up, he remembers that she was dead.

Tony painfully realizes that there will be a night when he won't be able to remember her voice anymore, or the way in which she used to say his name, that there will be thousands of small details of what she was that will be gone. He realizes that the pass of time and the desire for revenge will erase his memory of her some day. Then he won't be able to remember her small hands on his face, her breath dancing over his mouth, or that day – which feels like so long ago - he had been happy in a dark CTU hallway.

As her memory begins to fade and is replaced by something greater than misery, and her sweet taste is replaced by the ash taste in his mouth, his still groggy and sleepy mind reminds him that she is dead.

His fear was the fading memory of her voice, her beautiful features becoming blurred and soon after forgotten and he just can't face it.

That's the worst moment of all, after all the darkness…everything, means nothing to him and the only thing that exist in the world for Tony is a big black hole, and everything he is or could have been, falls into it and disappears and suddenly there is nothing left for him besides that damn black hole, absorbing and taking everything from him.

After all, subconsciously, Tony is convinced that he is in fact responsible for her dying, and even worse, that he is killing her more and more with every thought he travels fueled by revenge, rage and self-destruction _"You don't want to do this Tony…it's not gonna bring back Michelle."_

And there is no epiphany, realization or acceptance at the end, knowing she is gone. Tony can't cry, scream or hit things anymore, because somehow he knows that the black hole has absorbed all that by now, even taking the memory of her from him and now there is nothing left for him except… nothing.

And then, Tony Almeida opens his groggy eyes completely, half doubting yet half convinced that his mind is only playing a cruel trick on him; but it's not.

She is there, sleeping on her back and only a few inches from his hand.

Tony used to dream that she was alive and then when he woke up he would realize that she wasn't there. But now, every night he dreams about her, he dreams that she is dead, but when he wakes up, she is alive.

Michelle's breathing is calm and her small body moves slowly underneath the blanket, and suddenly Tony remembers having joked around with her yesterday, about how she can sleep with blankets in a tropical climate. It had been one of the very first jokes shared between them since he found her, but even then, she had answered with a meek smile.

Michelle have been hiding in an anonymous hotel in the outskirts of the city; when he crossed the threshold and found her, he thought the heat might have left him hallucinating – but what he saw was reality. She was alive.

She was alive and just a few feet from him, but in those initial moments he still was not willing to entirely believe what he saw. Tony remembered saying her name in a low and broken voice and then walking towards her ignoring his doubtful and obsessive mind, as he always did when it was related to that woman. Michelle Dessler, the one and only person on earth that could leave his mind at a complete blank.

He had kissed her: once, twice… hard and possessively, crushing his mouth to hers and touching her hair, her face, her neck, her back… everything of hers that his long fingers could reach, until he sensed his meddling brain screaming for air. Tony had smelled her, tasted her and touched her until the last and most doubtful part of his brain was convinced that it was in fact her, Michelle. The woman he thought he had lost for good.

And after those first couple of confusing minutes Tony finally understood that the woman he loved wasn't dead and hugged her in a merge of guilt, protection and possessiveness that absolutely overwhelmed her; she whispered his name softly against the fabric of his shirt, he didn't let her go.

That had been almost four months ago but still, every time Tony wakes up at night, he doesn't remember it immediately, but she is alive.

**So did that make sense, he was dreaming then woke up and… yay Michelle is actually alive!!**


End file.
